Anthony King: 2008

Dear Starbucks,

I am writing to inform you that I agree whole-heartedly with The Resistance, a San Diego-based Christian group, who has said of your “new” retro logo, “[it] has a naked woman on it with her legs spread like a prostitute…It’s extremely poor taste, and the company might as well call themselves Slutbucks.”

Indeed! Look at that logo, Slutbucks! That mermaid is too sexy! How do you expect me to drink your delicious, delicious coffee without wanting to have sex with it? Is that what you want? Coffee shops filled with masturbating Christians!?

Well, you will be hearing from my lawyers. After buying a cup of your coffee last week, and bringing that lascivious harlot close to my lips again and again, I became so aroused that I finally had to shove my engorged penis into the piping hot porn. As you might expect, it burned me horribly, and I am writing you this letter from a hospital bed, my penis slathered in gallons of salve (which is itself very slippery and arousing).

I can’t stop masturbating! If you have any earlier drafts of the drawing, please send me copies. Maybe a version with more human-looking legs? Or a more accurately rendered vagina? Anything you can do to help might just stop me from (a) suing you and (b) having a threesome with the Wendy’s logo.

Yours In Christ,

Anthony King